I grew up in a Christian household. We went to church on Sunday and learned about God's goodness and grace. I learned the value of hard work and these things integrated into who I was as a kid and then as a teenager. I came into young adulthood believing that I could work my way into being more acceptable to God somehow. As you can imagine, this didn't work well as I came in contact with life as an adult.

Shortly after I got out of high school, I chose to go to college and get my diploma as an Emergency Medical Technician (EMT) which allowed me to work on the ambulance. All of a sudden, I was a part of something that was both exciting and terrifying! However, even more terrifying was how my understanding of who I was and who God was began to crumble. Some of the emergencies that first-responders, among others, are routinely responding to didn't seem to fit with a good and gracious God, as far as my understanding of goodness and grace went. I began to feel disconnected with myself and God.

As these situations kept coming, I began to get overwhelmed by the pain of disconnection that I could no longer just 'power through'. All of a sudden, my work ethic couldn't overcome something and it was soul-crushing and so incredibly painful. It became increasingly difficult to be around people so I pulled away from most relationships. Sadly, this included my own wife and kids.

My main way of coping with the disconnect was to turn to alcohol. The unfortunate thing about addictive substances or behaviours is that they promise so much and almost deliver on those promises. Gabor Mate puts it this way, "it's really hard to get enough of something that almost works". Ultimately, these coping methods that begin as a genius way of escaping the pain of disconnection end up furthering the disconnect. What is promised as an antidote becomes a lifejacket that's filled with lead.

As Cloud and Townsend, authors of the 'Boundaries' books, note "we don't change unless the pain of change becomes less than the pain of staying the same". In 2017, the pain of staying the same finally surpassed the pain of changing. My wife gave me the greatest gift ever in the form of truth. The way it was stated to me was, "you can go to rehab and get healthy or you aren't welcome home". Wow, that hurt to hear! I believe it was God's gentle nudging, that I had for so long attempted to stifle, that prompted me to respond with a reluctant "ok".

Hardships happen. I am finding out that life is full of hard things. As I leaned into recovery, I found an incredible protective factor that I had been too hurt to see; connection with my creator and the people around me. It is scary sometimes to be closely connected to other people because we are hurt most in relationship. However, it is also in relationship that we are healed most. I believe this is God's design for life and it is why I am so passionate about restoring connection.

Now, with a Master of Arts in Addiction Counselling, I have the passion, lived experience, and knowledge to help others find that same connection and healing.